be the perfect child in his eyes. for years, i have tried and tried to impress him but it never works. does he even know how much i want to hear him say those three precious words to me? never. i hear him praise and brag about the other one but never about me. he gives me crap about everything. does he even know that the only reason i have rebelled so much over the years is because of him? of all the times that i see him looking at me, disgusted by what he sees. granted, i am not the most beautiful person in the world, not the thinnest or even the biggest but damnit it took me years to feel nearly as comfortable in my skin. to this DAY, i cant even go through the day without seeing that disappointing look on his face. i love him with all my heart; with all the work and shit that he goes through with people judging him, even from our own family members. he had to go through losing his own dad, seeing my mom go through breast cancer and living through that, dealing with me and my rebellious ways. But somehow that all doesn't matter when i dont even get to feel that great emotion of being loved by him. there are times i cry at night, wondering whether he ever was proud of me. i dont even remember the last time he hugged me. to feel that fatherly embrace. i look back at my adolescence and wish i could relive those moments or just merely have that same feeling again. but all that is in the past and now i wonder....will i ever get to hear my own father say to me:
I love you.
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