team coco and some other random shiz

...thats right i am team coco. Coco as in Conan O'Brien. No offense to Jay Leno but I totally think that he deserves to keep his spot at 11:35 and keep the title of being The Tonight Show. Stupid politics that go into whether to keep the show or just dump it. so go team CoCo!

right now i'm watching Jay Leno and Ringo Starr is performing with Ben Harper. pretty darn cool. but mostly i think Leno has lost his touch. i find Conan much funnier and more appealing than Leno. the only funny thing that i laughed at was Mikey Day's commentary from when he was at the Golden Globes red capert.

now i changed it to mythbusters. i jus love how much work they put in to finding out whether there is truth behind these myths that people talk of.

now i don't feel like writing cuz conan o'brien has started. till later. toodle-oo

i will never ever...

be the perfect child in his eyes. for years, i have tried and tried to impress him but it never works. does he even know how much i want to hear him say those three precious words to me? never. i hear him praise and brag about the other one but never about me. he gives me crap about everything. does he even know that the only reason i have rebelled so much over the years is because of him? of all the times that i see him looking at me, disgusted by what he sees. granted, i am not the most beautiful person in the world, not the thinnest or even the biggest but damnit it took me years to feel nearly as comfortable in my skin. to this DAY, i cant even go through the day without seeing that disappointing look on his face. i love him with all my heart; with all the work and shit that he goes through with people judging him, even from our own family members. he had to go through losing his own dad, seeing my mom go through breast cancer and living through that, dealing with me and my rebellious ways. But somehow that all doesn't matter when i dont even get to feel that great emotion of being loved by him. there are times i cry at night, wondering whether he ever was proud of me. i dont even remember the last time he hugged me. to feel that fatherly embrace. i look back at my adolescence and wish i could relive those moments or just merely have that same feeling again. but all that is in the past and now i wonder....will i ever get to hear my own father say to me:

I love you.

Independence is happiness.

i'm slowly learning that. i cant alway rely on people to bring me happiness. i have to make my own happiness. i thought i constantly needed certain people in my life but after months of literally not speaking to them, i learn that i need to loosen the ties i had on them and just move on. so many times i've tried to be independent and i failed. but now, i feel like im already on the road to finally being independent. i dont know, maybe i am and maybe im not but we'll see. i jus gotta keep telling myself this:

Independence is happiness.